Cloudscape

I am still wondering. And I wonder if ever in my life I will find answers. I know that there are no certainties and that most of the things we believe to know are just guesses, and with guesses we'll have to do. Am I to guess, then, that consciousness arose from matter or matter from consciousness, or both? Is this a dream or reality, or both?

I can't make sense of this puzzle. But it still seems to me like the only explanation is that, as everything is just how we perceive it to be, everything will also be as we perceive it will be. If there are an infinity of identical universes which each have a different fate, just what determines in which universe we are?

The law of attraction does not seem to make much sense at first: things too often go wrong for us. But the mind is a strange, strange thing. Our subconscious is always stronger than our conscious, as is shown when we try to stop smoking, for instance. Maybe, while our conscious decides one thing, our subconscious has thought of something altogether different. Perhaps it is our subconscious which is the God in each of us, which decides how our lives will be from moment to moment.

Perhaps, deep down inside of each of us there is a writer of our own lives. And writers can give their characters a tough time. Why? After all, people read a book to experience in the place of the characters -- why would they want to go through a tough time in their place?

The answer is, of course, simple. Because that's just part of what makes their adventures appealing. Perhaps if we are in suffering that means we just need suffering.

And perhaps part of us doesn't want to believe that we are the masters in our own game, and thus leave part of what happens in our lives to coincidence. We want things to make sense. It would be very frightening if we could cause reality itself to break down simply with our thoughts.

But it is complicated. And the inner writer within us is hard to understand. Because it understands things we do not. Unlike us, it knows what it is doing, and looks at our own lives from a distance.

… but you can hardly stand it though.
By now you know
It's not going to stop
Till you wise up."

Depression is caused largely by a hate for either oneself or for one's life -- these are one and the same because one's life is part of oneself; it is part of one's own qualia. It follows that only when one hates oneself, one will suffer, and hate is a craving to make someone suffer. Essentially, one gets what one wants. Similarly, any negative feelings at all are caused by anger at oneself or one's life, be it at a conscious or more subconscious level, and the opposite also counts: "Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them." — Leo Tolstoy

Every feeling you have, you either choose for at the moment or at some earlier time. You ordered it, so to say, like a package.